Optometrist found guilty in providing faulty news stories.

Florence, NY. Dr. Jan Quigley was found guilty today of fraud in the case brought against him by the optometrist union. “I am just glad this is over. He is an old worn out man that feels people only should use one eye to see," said prosecuting lawyer Buckinald Stevens III, Esq. as he stroked his handlebar mustache, puffed on his cob pipe, and made his way from the courthouse.

All the controversy stems from a series of news stories about how the monocle, a popular eyepiece from a bygone era, was on the comeback amongst the younger generation. All produced by Dr. Quigley and directed by the elusive and sought after Juan Luc Cokenbawls. Known for his work in the underground cinema, this was his first foray into the world of American news programming. “I dint know what was aboot, but he pay me an I dew et,” Mr. Cokenbawls said while wearing only a suede trench coat and a mock turtleneck.

The news “stories” depicted many teens partying and having a good time. Most of the teens had a monocle of some design on. The emphatic reporter a stubby man, with a British accent, and wearing a gaudy sweater despite the beach scene, went on about how only the coolest kids were donning the eyewear. “My monocle is Abercrombie and Fitch!” one scantily clad female exuded. One perfectly chiseled teen fumbled with an old pair of glasses and complained they would make him look like a nerd. The British man then handed him a monocle saying, "What if I could give you something that would not only help you see better, and make you look cool, but will make you smarter." "I don't know it's probably expensive," the almost male model like teen sadly replied. "Thats where you're wrong, you little bugger! See because it's a monocle it's half the price of glasses here try it!" The dainty man handed over the eyepiece, that when placed over the teen's eye never budged, to which the he proclaimed. “This is rad!” and gave a jerky thumbs up to the camera. "Amazing!" The Brit replied.

The Optometrists union representative stated the reason for the case was solely because the monocle was damaging to the eyes, for only having one eye with perfect vision will impair the other and to promote this as the "way to be" is just criminal. "It's an abomination! To wear one eyeglass when respectable people have two eyes! Might I add that Mr. Quigley does not even wear a monocle and often appears in public wearing shirts with the top button left loose and will even wear white socks! Hardly a man to be setting standards!" an angry Union trial lawyer blurted at the courthouse steps.

Dr. Quigley was using the faux news stories to promote his failing business. A small shop in the lower east side named “Monocles, Monocles, and Monocles”, “I needed to drum up some business, for some reason people just don’t wear these anymore, aside from smarmy psychologists, one-eyed people, and ventriloquist dummies.” After hearing the verdict the doctor said that after he is released from prison he’ll make an infomercial staring television's Peter Falk. “Everyone loves Columbo!” he shouted and he has taken away in handcuffs

Jiminy Slits reporting, New England branch apprentice of Buckinald Stevens III, Esq.

SBD Transmission at all time highs among teens.

Hoboken, NJ. A new study out today from the Study Company that Studies Useless Studies to Benefit Only Those That Take Studies and Find Them of No Importance indicates that SBD transmission among high school age teens is increasing at an alarming rate. SBD, as defined by the Houston Medical Journal, is a silent, but deadly noxious emission of pungent gas from a person and or animal that sneaks up on the victim, but has no audible portion to forewarn of its introduction to the environment, thus making it fall into the category of whoever smelt it dealt it. These can be emitted at anytime, anywhere, and violate many persons.

Several teens at George Jefferson High retold stories of how they were stricken with SBDs. “Yeah, I was like, just standing in line for lunch, and got a nose full of the most horrid smell. It was like (explicative) had (explicative) on someone's (explicative),” said one teen. Other stories included a person so brazen with his SBD transmissions that he would crop dust the cafeteria. Upon further explanation, the Houston Journal had no reference, a crop dusting is when the SBD is discharged and the flatulator then walks through an area with the odor trailing behind him, much like a plane spraying a field of crops with pesticides. “That fat (explicative) Greg always does that, he stops and you know he is blowing his brown horn, then walks away laughing to himself,” said one lunch-goer.

I did get the chance to experience this as Greg entered the cafeteria and did just what was described to me moments before. I was shocked to see him standing at the far end of the eating area, still laughing, and I was in a haze of sweaty, almost terrifying air, so thick I could have taken some and dipped it in my tea. I questioned Greg as to why he did this and he replied, “There was a telegraph from Fort A-hole to Commander Nostril announcing the arrival of a General Shat I had to deliver.” I did not understand the exchange and left him to consume his tater tots.

The School Board organized an awareness movement in the school to help combat the issue. There was a class given to those that signed up and free butt plugs were offered. Many parents objected to the school handing out anal acoustic stopping devices. “If you give them butt plugs then it's like you are saying it's okay to float air biscuits!” an angry mother shouted from her Ford Expedition emblazoned with NASCAR bumper stickers. “You should be teaching them to abstain from farting in school, not how to do it without repercussions,” she added.

Some students have adopted this method. Anthony Arledge, a well-groomed student and member of the honor society, stated, “I just hold them in all day because I care about my fellow students and am not selfish like the others." He went on, "Sure my stomach hurts like I ate a ten day old slovaky and washed it down with some expired milk that a goat puked in, but I can wait until the end of the day to do my business at home.” He gripped his stomach at this point and said he would have to go into his bathroom. I overheard a long rattling release of choppy air, almost like a fifty caliber machine gun expending its ammunition and a muffled voice tell me something to the sort of Anthony having let go of more than just some built up air. Not wanting to consult the Journal yet again to find the definition of a "shart" I ended the interview.

Brandino Sudo Sudonews East Coast Bureau with contributions from
Flatulence aficionado, Hubert “The Brown Trumpet” Rectumberg.

Son of Sasquatch Captured on Manhattan Beach

Manhattan Beach, CA - What scientists believe to be the seed of Pacific Northwest enigma Sasquatch was found yesterday in a bright yellow, rio cut, Versace banana-hammock speedo meandering down Manhattan Beach early yesterday morning.

Alarmed beachgoers were shocked to see the hairy beast, which apparently was on vacation in the Los Angeles area. "It scared the hell out of me and my kids," stated Dennis Finney, "he ran by yelling 'nanu, nanu', made my kid drop a load in his pants."

Authorities surrounded the beast with firearms drawn, only to have slurs directed at the officers. The beast spoke perfect English, and was deemed the son of Sasquatch, for he stood only 5' 7", whereas Sasquatch is estimated to stand 7' 4". Los Angeles Police Department sniper Loyd Christmas stated, "He started into this crazy comedy routine, making silly references, doing some robot-clock thing with his arm. Starting talking about how he had a three way with Woopi Goldberg and Billy Chrystal once after some homeless benefit. Real crazy stuff."

The beast was captured after a poly-carbon, Teflon coated gore-tex net was catapulted onto the animal. The creature was thrown into an animal control van and taken into custody, where it was summarily shaven, only to shockingly reveal former cokehead, and comedian, Robin Williams under the blanket of mangy, matted hair.

Noted Zoologist H.M. Hammy Pennypacker stated that the relationship between the Sasquatch and Mr. Williams may not be so far fetched. In his early studies, Hammy found that while on a family vacation to Yellowstone National park in the fall of 1950, Robin's mother wondered off into the woods to escape her manic husband’s frantic babblings, and was indeed kidnapped by the elusive man-giant. She emerged from her woodland vacation impregnated and told no one of what went on. This was all revealed in the video will of Mr. Pennypacker shortly before he passed away of severe anal and intestinal damage received from a male silverback while living 3 months in a gorilla suit during mating season in a South American rain forest.

The removal of the hair, which was believed to have weighed in the hundreds of pounds, is being taken to a local sweatshop to be processed into wool coats for poor Alaskan children. The unidentified 11 year old Guatemalan manager of the shop stated, "I bet we can get 6-10 coats just off the back hair alone."

Police spokesperson Harry Dunn stated, "He didn’t even ask for an apology. Apparently this happens every time he goes to the beach. Usually he calls ahead to warn everyone."

Pete Sudo, Sudonews, West Coast Division, with contributions from noted world explorer Sir Francis Bartholomew Winston Randolph Rockefeller Raleigh Longbone, XIV.

Iranians Acquire Atomic Capabilities

Woodbridge, VA-Iranian-American relations took a sharp decline this past weekend when Iranian born Payam Auld Shabeen performed a flawless Atomic wedgie on a bewildered American vendor at a local mall. “I thought they were years away from this”, a shaken onlooker said. To the surprise of many fellow patriots, it seems that the Iranians are way ahead of the pace in such areas of foolishness.

A wedgie, as defined by the best selling novel on foolishness entitled “How to Have Homo-erotic Fun at Parties and Social Gatherings”, is when one person takes hold of another’s underwear from behind and pulls them at an extreme rate of velocity vertically. This causes the underwear to wedge in the persons anal cleft and causes discomfort. To become atomic, one must possess the power to pull the waistband up over the head of the recipient and separate it from the underpants completely.

Apparently there was a disagreement at the Your Name on a Grain of Rice kiosk. Payam did not understand the reasoning for the service. “This towel head was blurting out some craziness about ‘Why would I want dis? Tis too small to see’ I told him put a lid on it!” Payam then abruptly turned the man and reached into his waistline while shouting, “You tink so!” and proceeded to perform what historians will note as “the most intense four seconds of the young, prepubescent, pimply-faced, virginal teenage employee of the kiosks life.” The Atomic wedgie was pulled off with such skill and finesse that onlookers felt phantom pains in their on ass cleavages. “It burned so bad I’m sure my ass cheeks look like a loose meat sandwich right now”, said the boy. He asked his name be withheld for unknown reasons.

Biff Benchpress, a renowned meathead in many circles and a twenty-year veteran of wedgie warfare, commented, "for Payam to display with such arrogance and prowess in the wielding of his atomic powers, he has certainly made the world notice his standing among all meatheads. Payam is a force not to be taken lightly." Asked why he did not intervene, Biff responded, "I was in shock, and when Payam said 'Now it’s a fucking necklace!' I could not move." Biff later confided in me that he had yet to ever actually pull off the atomic wedgie. A tear slowly rolled down his cheek as he stated how he only managed to get the undergarment to shoulder level before the elastic would give out. Biff was given a dishonorable discharge and is now on disability, suffering from what he called ass-elbow.

Sir Smitty Brick, IV, M.D. of Harvard School of Skylarking remarked that after the incident much was learned about the state of foolishness in Iran. "Before this, we thought their foolentologists were merely capable of purple nurples, bismarks, and of course severe Indian burns, but now we know that they are right in line with all the superpowers", said Sir Brick, as he puffed on his pipe and adjusted his twill blazer with corduroy elbow pads.

Payam was later seen in the food court standing in line at the Panda Express, yelling about the curry. As the employees at Panda Express hurriedly gripped their waistbands, Payam was asked how he learned the technique. He turned nonchalantly and simply stated, “I watch a lot of Seinfeld.”

Brandino Sudo, Sudo news, East Coast Bureau
Follow up reporting by Pete Sudo, Editor-at-Large , West Coast Bureau

Stripper Found Attending Local Community College

Boulder City, NV-Stunned patrons of the Beaver Hole Gentlemen's Club, a locals only nudie bar on the outskirts of Boulder City, were stunned to find out that clothing removal technician Christy Clitoris was indeed attending a local community college.

"She always said she was just stripping for college, but hey, they all say that", stated long haul truck driver Buford "Bonecrusher" Johnson, who is said to have dropped thousands of one dollar bills on the stage, just to have Mrs. Clitoris pick them up, hands free. Upon review of the ample evidence supplied by Sudonews, Mr Bonecrusher was upset, emphatically stating, “If I knew that money was going to college, I would have never given it to her."

Chris McQuinn, one of her classmates at the college, was suspicious of Mrs. Clitoris from the beginning. Mr. McQuinn recalled, “Once day she walked into the class in some tight jeans. I thought I recognized that camel toe from a bachelor’s party a couple years back-trust me, it was the biggest moose knuckle I’d ever seen. As I recall, she was twisting off beer caps with that thing.”

A check of the birth and academic records revealed the most shocking point of all, which is that Christy Clitoris is actually her given birth name. Gentlemen's club historian and attorney Buckinald J. Stevens III, Esq., estimated that this is the first time in recorded history that a pole swinger was actually telling the truth. "I have studied many dancer and professional porn actor names and can always find that the names are truly false. Sometimes, like in the cases of Billy Chode and Stacey Blumpkin, they obviously used their middle names in place of their first names. The odd part is that Christy’s middle name is Mercedes, the third most common car based stripper name, behind Lexus, and in the Deep South, Ford F-150.”

When faced with the daunting evidence of Mrs. Clitoris' truthfulness, Mr. Bonecrusher stated, “Okay, she was telling the truth about her college, and her name, but them bodacious titays ain't real. I've seen a lot of sweater puppies, and those dogs was store bought. If you don't believe me, ask my right hand, those jugalicous knockers were pure silicony."

An examination of Mr. Bonecrusher's Popeye sized right arm, juxtaposed against his Olive Oil sized left arm, solidified in Sudonews opinion, that Mr. Bonecrusher is not a stranger to the sweet release. After a Sudonews undercover investigation, which included several lap dances, a couple facial cleavage insertions, and one reach around, it was not determined if Mrs. Clitoris' milkbags were real or not. Sudonews is dedicated to answering this pressing question, and this is just the first in a 16 part series into the validity of the funbags. Stay tuned.

Pete Sudo, Sudonews, Las Vegas Bureau, with contributions from Brandon Sudo, Editor-In-Chief, East Coast Bureau.

Jay-Z: Hardcore Rapper or Momma’s Boy?

Miami, FL - Jay-Z, former hardcore rapper from the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn, which has produced many musical greats, including Clay Aiken, was seen waiting outside a local movie theater bathroom on a hot friday night holding the purse of his beloved Beyonce Knowles, who was heard stating "damnit, I got a turtle head poking out" as she ran into the restroom with one hand covering her bootylicious badunkadunk.

Mr. Z was reportedly "tiffed", in his words, because Mrs. Knowles was making him late as they went into "Failure to Launch", the romantic comedy starring naked bongo playing pot smoker Matthew McConaughey. J Hova stated,” I’ve been waiting so long for the return of Matthew to his roots". The rapper who proclaims to be the greatest rapper alive and croons on such hits as "Girls, girls, girls" was far from the image he portrays on his albums on this movie date night.

Fellow hardcore playas at the movie theater pleaded with Mr. Z to state that he was "Not bitchin out and holding some chickenheads purse." Movie ticket taker Bucky Bell, who was there to see first hand what transpired, overheard Mr. Z saying,"This purse? Nah I just stole this joint, jigga what?". The rapper reportedly spoke in a false bravado and his voice cracked. "H to the Izzo!" he blurted and made an diamond shape with his hands.

The Jiggaman's pussifiedness is evident on his latest single, "Honey I picked up the magnum sized tampons you needed, Jigga Yeah.” The song’s sappy lyrics state “Don't want to stop our roll ‘cause you got that flow, fo sheezy". The single brags about how fast he got back from the store, how super absorbent the tampons are, and how he researched the brand on the internet for his "boo". "This mans street cred is damaged," pouted an onlooker and he added "I don't even think that Beyonce’s ass is bootylicious anymore, it’s just licious in my eyes from this point forward!”

The couple was seen entering the theater late and as the door closed, Mr. Carter proclaimed "I am going to drink a large quantity of Crystal and fornicate with lots of fine bitches after this!” The crowed that had already dissipated paid no head to his words. "That boy is whipped." stated Bucky as he sent a text message booty call to one of his "Chickenheads."

Brandino Sudo, Sudonews, Miami Bureau

Ben Affleck Spotted Leaving Risque Las Vegas Establishment

Las Vegas, NV – Flaming metro sexual and Los Angelean waste of space Ben Affleck, who commonly refers to himself as an actor (why he does, the editors of Sudonews and anyone who has seen his films have no idea), was caught in the wee hours Saturday night leaving a local Las Vegas Catholic church.

Affleck was wearing an embezzled 1970’s pizza-man porno style fake mustache (by Dolce and Gabanna) and a pair of overpriced nut-hugging jeans (by Testicle Embracers Denimwear) as he absconded from the rectory. Embarrassed, and trying to keep his pseudo bad-boy image, Affleck quickly stated,”I swear I’m heading to a strip club right after this.”

Affleck then begged this reporter not to print his appearance at the church, and even attempted to cover his PTLin’ (Praisin’ the Lord) by claiming that he’s researching a movie role. The role was reportedly as a blind Catholic priest/superhero that served at Pearl Harbor and was called upon to destroy a meteor barreling towards Earth by using Tim Robbin’s character in Shawshank Redemption to chisel into the middle of the meteor and plant a thermonuclear bomb. Matt Damon was reportedly attached to play the Robbin’s character, and Kevin Smith to direct.

While clearly a plausible Affleck movie (the editors of Sudonews are working on the screenplay as we speak), this reporter was steadfast in his questioning. Affleck relented, admitting the falsehood, and pleaded, “at least say it was a church of scientology or Kabala, my public relations people say those are acceptable Hollywood religions.”

When this reporter refused, Affleck broke down in angry tears, yelling “Print whatever the hell you want. I gotta go; I have a nail appointment in 20 minutes.”

Reported by Pete Sudo, Sudonews, Las Vegas Bureau.

Dick Cheney Receives Suprise in White House Screening Room

Washington, DC-President George W. Bush once again revealed the “First Organ” to an unwitting guest at the White House screening room by performing the infamous “popcorn trick” on Vice President Dick B. Cheney during a private screening of uber-gay cowboy drama Brokeback Mountain.

To the unfamiliar, the “trick” involves cutting a hole in the bottom of the popcorn box and inserting one’s penis into the box. As the popcorn is removed, one’s member is exposed, and your victim/date gets a surprise.

Cheney stated, “I heard from Donald Rumsfeld that he had tried the same thing during a screening of My Best Friend's Wedding, so you could say I saw it coming, if you know what I mean.” Asked if he gave the President a so-called happy ending, Cheney said, “he is the President, after all. I felt obliged to do it for my country.” When pressed about the size, Cheney simply stated “fairly average, but this guy’s got no balls.”

White House projectionist James Tarry overheard the President asking Cheney if he wanted to see his weapon of mass destruction blast off. Stopped by the media as he entered Air Force One, President Bush commented, “he, he, I stuck my wiener through the popcorn box, and he touched it.”

Product engineer Brandon Brown, who is credited with inventing the popcorn trick during an unusually long dry streak during the late ‘70s, stated that “the most important element is to control your butter to popcorn ratio. Obviously, a certain amount of ‘fake butter’ is needed to ensure lubrication, but too much and the element of surprise could be ended by soggy popcorn. The key is to keep the hand reaching into the box.” There’s definitely a risk involved, but also potential reward. “Sure, I’ve been slapped a few times, but so has my penis,” Brown stated.

Michael Moore was said to be working on a documentary about the White House screening room tentatively titled “All the President’s Mens”. He describes the film as part gay porno, part political thriller, and all homo erotic. “I’m thinking of throwing myself into a three way with Karl Rove,” Moore stated.

Report submitted by Pete Sudo, SudoNews, Las Vegas Bureau.