Sudonews Probes Richard Gere Gerbil Rescue Operation

Sudonews investigators busted what appeared to be a homoerotic business at Richard Gere’s Pleasure Dome Gerbil Rescue Farm. The three-month investigation, which took this Sudonews reporter undercover, mostly nude but sometimes in a speedo, was concluded yesterday.

Sudonews found an elaborate shaving and lubing operation, with gerbils in different states of fully haired, partially shaven, and fully shaven. I saw what appeared to be an assembly line of gerbils being packaged and sent out in a box with “ass grease”, a feeding tube, and a 1-800 hotline “in case your gerbil gets stuck”. I called the hotline, and was given a plethora of language choices that included English, Spanish, French, and Ebonics. I pressed “fo” for Ebonics, where what appeared to be the voice of Kevin Federline saying, “jus pull that mofo out chor ass, man use a coat hanga, fo sho.” Scared that I would be impregnated through the phone, I hung up immediately.

When confronted with the evidence Mr. Gere said, “we shave them down, yeah, it’s LA, and hot. Plus some of them like to tan out back with me in my totally erotic and fully nude tanning night club.” I doubted this excuse, for a check of the temperature showed it was 58 degrees that day, and most gerbils were wearing makeshift fur coats fashioned out of Antarctic penguin toe jam. Mr. Gere then took us to his nightclub, which included several rainbow flags on 3 foot flagpoles, which were fully greased at the top and included a record board that said “2.89 feet, Paris Hilton, vagina and mouth, 3 feet, hershey highway, Matthew McConaughey (three times, before bong hits)”, a taint shaving kit, hundreds of nude pictures of the Dali Lama, and several muscular Speedo clad young men he referred to as “pool boys”.

I could accept this, for I saw the same operation at Ben Affleck’s house a couple months back, except the poolboy in his case was Matt Damon, the nude pictures were of Rosie O’Donnell, and they used hamsters. I figure all of Hollywood’s leading men have such tanning night clubs, I’ve read about parties thrown by Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, and pox marked star Ray Liotta.

I could not accept the assembly line. I confronted Mr. Gere, where he claimed, “Oh, those are for jokes, ya know, bachelor parties and such.” As he finished, I heard a squeaking sound, and Mr. Gere grabbed a handful of Richard Gere’s Erotic Gerbil Feed and appeared to stuff it into a tube at the back of his pants. He quickly tussled his t-shirt, which read “Packing Heat” with a picture of a gerbil giving the “thumbs up”. When he turned around the back of the shirt said “One in the Oven” with an arrow pointing towards his brown eye. The feed bag said, “here at Richard Gere’s Erotic Gerbil Feed, we know how important it is to keep the party going. We guarantee to keep your gerbil alive for a week or you’ll get a free visit to my personal tanning club.” Underneath, in really small print, it read, “only really hot guys and Lou Gosset, Jr. are eligible for tanning club trip.”

In the end, no charges were filed against Mr. Gere, for lack of evidence. His lawyer, famed attorney and infomercial salesman Buckinald J. Stevens IV, told Sudonews that “this is all circumstantial evidence that wouldn’t hold up in court. I assure you that Mr. Gere has never shoved nor does he have gerbils shoved up his ass. Bowling trophies? Yes. Cindy Crawford’s mole? Of course. But gerbils? This man showed his wang in An Officer and a Gentleman. ‘Nuff said.” As he finished a gerbil climbed down from the back of Mr. Stevens pants on a rope made from ass hairs and corn. The gerbil had a 5 o’clock shadow and nearly escaped, only to have the speedo clad boys wrangle him up with fishing nets.

Sudonews is dedicated to stay behind this story for as long as it takes. A baker’s dozen of these gerbils has been ordered and will be fully tested for a 13-part investigation.

Rico Sudo, Sudonews Homo Division, West Hollywood, CA.

Kirstie Alley Still Alive, Fat.

Hollywood, California - Kirstie Alley a quasi famous actress and former attractive woman was found to still be breathing of her on free will today. Kirstie is barely known for being sexy ages ago when standards for the moniker were much lower than current measures. The former star lost her luster, but then rose from obese obscurity to chubby mediocrity as the spokesperson for Jenny Craig, a weight loss program. She was found alive and well after her personal nurse discovered her unconscious in a hotel room not choking on her own vomit. "She is a very heavy sleeper," said the nurse whom dialed 911 in shock upon seeing her alive.

Upon asking witnesses, who saw Kirstie walking on her own accord to an awaiting police cruiser, most said they had remembered seeing the star just recently on television. Adding, she now looked less cumbersome than the last time they saw her on the cover of a tabloid. News pundits covering the unfolding drama remembered her as, "That woman on Cheers", or "That women who wore a bathing suit in some movie, but then got really fat," and another mentioned her failed revival on the small screen in her series Fat Actress.

Upon searching Kirsties' refrigerator authorities found several whole rotisserie chickens, five bundt cakes, thirty-five snac-pac pudding cups, methadone, soy sauce, slim fast drinks, and way too many marshmallow peeps. Investigations as to whether these items contributed to her size, continued life, and heavy sleep is still underway.

Fear struck countless fans of former attractive women celebrities according to some drunkard in a bar and possibly your inebriated friend after the death of the most famous formerly attractive, then obese, then semi-attractive again celebrity, Anna Nicole Smith. Farrah Faucet, Demi Moore, Sally Struthers, and Delta Burke were all found to be still living and still not nearly as attractive as before. Their conditions will he monitored for several weeks or until the next pseudo celebrity dies.

Buckinald Hubert Stevens, III, LL.D - Paparazzi Fluffer, Hollywood Div.

Online Gaming champion arrested, thoroughly embarrassed.

Sacramento, California - Earlier this week police entered the home of Donna Tyson and confiscated a computer, Jergens lotion, and a crusted sock owned by her son David. The police were lead to the home as part of an online sting operation conducted by a special task force within the counties Child Predator Unit.

The thirty-five year old professional electronic sports competitor, David Tyson, had been chatting via instant messenger, lotion nearby, with a male detective for several days. He was soliciting the boy for deviant acts and making extensive grammatical errors, sexual in nature. The detective posed as a 13-year-old boy, chatted with David, whom in the gaming world is known as L33tSauz01, and wanted to meet for sex. Their conversations resulted in the district attorney filing for David's arrest. He was charged with soliciting sex online from a decoy posing as a 13-year-old, which is a felony.

Until now Dave Tyson was known as the number two man in the Cyberathlete Professional League (CPL), behind none other than Jonathan Wendel, screenname Fatal1ty. Self proclaimed "King Nerd" whom in addition to racking up over $500,000 in competition earnings says he has had sex with a real woman, more than once, an attractive woman. When police burst into Dave's home, owned by his mother, he was at a friends LAN party practicing for an upcoming competition. He heard the investigators were ransacking his basement apartment searching for evidence and he was overtaken with "fear and shock" say his friends.

"He was frantic," said Brian Coffey a fellow virgin and obese Trekkie. "He was scared shit-less because he knew it would be on the news, he used his old eMachine computer for chatting with underage boys," he added. Local news reporters filmed the computer being taken from the home. The eMachine featured a 133 megahertz processor with on board soundcard, 128 megabytes of RAM, and a paltry twenty gigabytes of storage space. Where investigators found large amounts of David's pictures, most depicted him naked or showing an erection through his authentic Jedi robe. The same picture he sent to the decoy with the tag, "istha force in you lol? I wan't 2 destroy ur brown death-star teehee".

Another loser, giving the name Tolk1enRulz, confirmed the embarrassment Dave felt, "Yeah, he is like number two in the gaming world and people will see that computer on TV and think he's pathetic," he said adjusting is bugle boy slacks back to their position above his waistline.

When asked for comment Dave stated, "My rig is really an Alienware Aroura ALX! Not that cream colored hunk of shit the police took!" He was then slammed to the ground and handcuffed. "It has an AMD Athlon 64 X2 6000 dual core processor and two Geforce 7900GTX graphics cards," he shouted, grass stuffed into his mouth. "2.5 terabytes of storage! Terabytes! Do you even know what that is?" With a knee pressed hard into his lower neck he stopped his cries. His thick glasses lay on the ground, broken, much like his dreams of beating his record for continuous gaming, which still stands at thirty-nine hours. A feat he achieved one weekend while his mother was out of town and his friend, an intern at a nearby hospital, let him borrow a bedpan.

As he was sentenced he pleaded with the judge and jury saying, "Please your honor, I want everyone to know. That was just a computer for messing around. My real computer costs, like, ten thousand dollars," he began to sob. "I would never have done this if I knew people would see that computer, it didn't even have a side cover or dual sink heat fins."

David was sentenced to a term of no less than five years, his mother when asked for comment stated, "It's good he finally moved out." His sock, however, was not returned.

John Faucette, contributing editor to the Klingon Federation Chronicle.