Kirstie Alley Still Alive, Fat.

Hollywood, California - Kirstie Alley a quasi famous actress and former attractive woman was found to still be breathing of her on free will today. Kirstie is barely known for being sexy ages ago when standards for the moniker were much lower than current measures. The former star lost her luster, but then rose from obese obscurity to chubby mediocrity as the spokesperson for Jenny Craig, a weight loss program. She was found alive and well after her personal nurse discovered her unconscious in a hotel room not choking on her own vomit. "She is a very heavy sleeper," said the nurse whom dialed 911 in shock upon seeing her alive.

Upon asking witnesses, who saw Kirstie walking on her own accord to an awaiting police cruiser, most said they had remembered seeing the star just recently on television. Adding, she now looked less cumbersome than the last time they saw her on the cover of a tabloid. News pundits covering the unfolding drama remembered her as, "That woman on Cheers", or "That women who wore a bathing suit in some movie, but then got really fat," and another mentioned her failed revival on the small screen in her series Fat Actress.

Upon searching Kirsties' refrigerator authorities found several whole rotisserie chickens, five bundt cakes, thirty-five snac-pac pudding cups, methadone, soy sauce, slim fast drinks, and way too many marshmallow peeps. Investigations as to whether these items contributed to her size, continued life, and heavy sleep is still underway.

Fear struck countless fans of former attractive women celebrities according to some drunkard in a bar and possibly your inebriated friend after the death of the most famous formerly attractive, then obese, then semi-attractive again celebrity, Anna Nicole Smith. Farrah Faucet, Demi Moore, Sally Struthers, and Delta Burke were all found to be still living and still not nearly as attractive as before. Their conditions will he monitored for several weeks or until the next pseudo celebrity dies.

Buckinald Hubert Stevens, III, LL.D - Paparazzi Fluffer, Hollywood Div.