Used Car Salesman Goes Insane

Hoboken, NJ - Selling cars at low prices can be a profitable sales gimmick, but for one area man it proved quite dangerous to his mental stability. Some say Curt Karl of "Karl's Car Corral" was selling used automobiles at such insanely low prices it slowly drove him mad. Each subsequent sale lowered his cognitive capacity to the point at which it is today. The commercials he produced for local television were the first hint of his startling decent into mindlessness say investigators. Bucky "Jim" Bell, head investigator and ferret breeder, says "Selling a '93 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme for $1999.95 is unheard of," spitting out a mouthful of brown saliva he continued, "I mean the damn things got A/C, AM/FM stereo, and power steering, just ain't right. His mental state gotta be all wonky to sell it that cheap." His assistant detective interjected saying, "Oldsmobile's a good car, Moms got one." He then adjusted his bulbous crotch for a few moments, sniffing his fingers afterward. It seems the Cutlass wasn't the only the only thing Curt let go of at a low price. There were several other irrational car deals like a '95 Geo Tracker 4x4 sold for $300, A Buick Skylark with custom sound system for $75, and a Ford Excursion given away for free because Curt said it was a absentee father. With each of those sales his neurocognitive deficit surged, ultimately resulting in Curt letting one very important item go for free, his mind.

What started out as a standard used car gimmick has made a tragic turn for this purveyor of "as is" vehicles. Employees thought his brazen yellow sport coat and orange tie were another gimmick, until he started soaking his tie in the coffee pot to "remove the nanobots" from the beverage as his secretary stated. She added that the yellow blazer was really a white coat soaked in Curt's bodily fluids to ward off angry wizards who wanted to challenge him for his title as "wizard of the year". A title he had made a trophy for, which investigators later identified as a large piece of "dried excrement" inscribed with the wizard of the year text written in lipstick. Lead investigator Bucky was impressed with the size of the trophy, but concluded Curt had progressed into highly disorganized thinking, was delusional, and possibly could be having auditory hallucinations. Bucky later took the trophy home for what he referred to as "further studies".

Clearly he was irrational, but the scope of his paranoia and detachment from reality wasn't taken seriously until after "Two for one Tuesday". On that Tuesday Curt was giving away a free car for buying one car on his lot. Customers loved the pitch and flocked to his car lot, but where becoming alarmed when Curt started to foam at the mouth and rant about Ronald Reagan being the devil. At the end of the day, when all his cars were gone, Curt sat on his desk and began to remove all the hairs from his body using a wooden spoon. Authorities were called when he defecated on head-shots of Ronald Reagan, as they arrived he became nearly comatose due to the near catastrophic levels of dopamine in his brain. Now laying mute in his secured room at the Sans Loving Hands Mental Facility, Mr. Karl is a constant reminder of how some sales gimmicks are all too real. As a footnote to this piece I later learned that $75 for a Buick Skylark is actually a fair deal and not really that insane a price to pay for one. Actually all those asked said it was too much and highly overpriced.

Reporting for SudoNews, Chuck Handballer Boston Bureau