Richard Dean Anderson in Near Fatal Car Crash.

Sacramento, CA- Beloved television icon Richard Dean Anderson was involved in a near fatal car accident late into the evening this past Wednesday. His vehicle, a Buick skylark, lost control when a tire blew and caused the vehicle to spin out of control stopping on its roof after several perfectly executed barrel rolls. A long trail of gasoline lined the highway and slowly made its way to a tossed cigarette butt that was still burning. Mr. Anderson, trapped by his seatbelt, looked with panic at the trail, which crept towards the cancerous fire source.

Onlookers thought quickly and stopped to assist the trapped motorist, as they approached they noted his C-level celebrity persona as that of televisions MacGyver. A loveable character, who was afraid of heights, never used guns, and was known for getting out of many sticky situations with common household items the layperson would never consider other uses for. One would be savoir exclaimed “Wow! It’s fucking MacGyver! Dude you can totally get out of this. I saw you disarm a nuclear bomb with a paper clip.” Some grunts were heard from the car “No way he once stopped an acid leak using a snickers bar, did you see that episode?” The other would be rescuer added. As the two argued over the most inventive scheme that the character had escaped from Mr. Anderson regained his bearings “ Will you help me out of here please!” Richard begged. A fire truck and EMS team arrived as the two bantered about Air wolf and then back to MacGyver. “No he worked for the Phoenix Foundation!” The first man shouted, “He was always after Murdoc, that was his nemesis!” The second retorted. The two men clutched each other’s arms and began to scuffle. The two landed blows as they rolled down the embankment.

“Please, I beg of you, my arm is broken and I need you to cut me out of this car before it explodes.” The former "actor" pleaded. The firemen surrounded the overturned car and almost began to heed the action heroes calls. “Shit you’re MacGyver! Is this a stunt? Are you going to use a banana and some dental floss to get out of this?” Said the man from behind his oxygen mask. “NO! I am not fucking MacGyver! I am a normal person. Get me the fuck out of here!” The trapped three-named man shouted frantically. “Damn, you better hurry MacGyver, that gas trail is about to hit that cigarette butt.” One medical technician noted, as he took a bite of his subway sandwich. “For the love of God! Cut me free!” there was a long sigh from the man in the overturned car. “Ok, ok, I ate my banana and left my slinky at my house. I can’t get out without that slinky so you will have to fucking do it!” The fading sex symbol screamed. Reluctantly they cut the seat belt and freed the washed up star.

Several rescuers later stated that they were disappointed that MacGyver did not have his slinky with him because they would like to have seen him escape the predicament. Others speculated that the A-team would have gotten out of the car with some other device and possibly B.A. Baracas would have put the seatbelt in a choke hold and broke free. “Fucking right! Colonel John “Hannibal” Smith would never fail in a mission. MacGyver is a pussy.” Mumbled an EMS technician as he closed the ambulance doors.

Brandino Sudo, East Coast Bureau, on location, with additional
Television references provided by Ernie Cunningham known “nerd”.

Bush names Cap’n Crunch as new Secretary of Defense

Washington D.C. - President Bush in a turn from his previous backing of Donald Rumsfeld abruptly switched his stance and named a new Secretary of Defense at a press conference today. “In the wake of recent events, we are - I (long pause) uh, have decided to, err ah, name Cap’n Crunch as or new Secretary of Defense.” stumbled the President. “I have or have known to-- I seen he is a strong man that will uphold the values of this great country. In his work against the Soggies: Sylvester, Snyder, and Squish he never wavered or lost focus, (long pause) he stayed the course and um...he works hard ok. He beat those Soggie evildoers until they gave up and have not been seen since. He, we--the Cap'n will be a great asset to the fight on terror.” The first man stated as he wiped drool from his chin. Laughter broke out in the conference room until secret service agents removed those chuckling and placed them in custody.

“Mr. President, how can this country trust a man that has never received a promotion after decades of service in the military or even been awarded a medal?” A reporter for the Boston Bugle asked as she scribbled on his notepad and adjusted the card in his pompadour that read “press”. “Now that’s a good question, good one, really.” the President's eyes shifted for a duration of time “Well, he is a Cap’n, and that says a lot. It takes time to get to Cap’n and this is the next step for him. As for the medals…he has some big yellow buttons and they are nice. I will look into the medals I am sure there is some.” chewing the inside of one cheek and raising an eyebrow he concluded.

Many still shocked at this revelation and wondered if Cap’n Crunch was even a real person and possibly if so could be actually in the military at all since he is a known homosexual. The speculation soon ended when Mr. Bush introduced a small man wearing a bright blue blazer and a Napoleon style hat in matching blue. “Mr. Crunch, heh…heh, Cap’n I mean. We here--I am honored to have you on our team, heh.” The President muttered. “Thank you Mr. President. I would like to say that I am honored and would like to answer your questions that the Presidents writers handed out before the press conference. I hope I remember all the answers.” Stated the new Secretary.

“Mr. President was there any other candidate you considered before picking a beloved children’s cereal icon?” One reporter blurted. “Sure, I spoke with General Mills and of course Colonel Sanders, but both declined on grounds of being too busy with other matters, that Sanders fellow makes some darn good chicken, heh. We like it on the ranch in Texas, thats where I grew up you know.” Bush replied. “What about the roof of my mouth?” A reporter from The Los Angeles Gazette shouted from the far left of the pressroom. “Your fighting with the Soggies left my cereal too hard and would destroy the roof of my mouth every morning!” He added. “No comment. I think we’ve had enough of this press conference.” Mr. Bush stated, and then proceeded to escort The Cap’n out of the pressroom.

A secret service officer grabbed the reporter, slung him over his broad shoulder, and removed him from the press conference.

Jack Habenhoffen reporting Washington D.C. div.

Endangered Talking Bear Found Near Death.

PETA the outspoken animal rights group claims that a talking bear name Yogi was in serious, but stable condition at its compound this week. A spokesperson said the emaciated bear was left in this state due to the Bush administrations abuses of national parks and the fact that there is less and less "picinic" baskets for the bear to eat. The picinic baskets being the main source of sustenance for this type of bear, an endangered species only found in the declining forests of Jellystone National Park.

"This poor animal was forced to eat his life mate to survive until this point" the spokeswoman cried out shaking her fist in the air as her armpit hair protruded from her tank-top made of hemp. A separate funeral was held for the smaller pygmy bear whose casket contained only a small blue bow tie, the larger bear had eaten every bit of his little friend "Boo Boo" as he called him, including the bones. "I was starving, what else could I do? I am sorry little buddy, but I had to, I loved you." The skeletal bear sobbed.

The Jellystone park has been wrought with controversy every since it was found to be a haven for homosexuals back in the late 1980's. "There was so many picinic baskets before that. After those men came in people were scared to come to the forest and have picinics and go swim leaving them unattended." After the homosexuals came poor Yogi said he had to feast on "old used condoms and anal lubricants." The PETA spokeswoman, shifting back and forth on her thick ham-hock thighs, further added "We pumped three gallons of Anal Ease from this talking animals distended belly along with thirteen lamb-skinned condoms." A less professional reporter at my left giggled and mused "been there done that." from behind his over-sized sunglasses, faux-hawk, and sensible cardigan. When asked for comment spokesman for the makers of Anal Ease, Tusk "sticky fingers" Branson, neglected the Yogi situation, but stated they stand behind their products "We at Anal Ease only wish to provide the best lubricant to gays and regular people alike."

One man, Ranger Smith, was visibly excited, almost aroused, that the bear was almost upon his deathbed. "Serves him right! Stealing all those picnic baskets, that's what drove the people away!" he shouted as he raised off the ground, arms stiff at his sides, legs out, and steam coming from his ears. "I hope that fucking bear dies! Fucking goes to hell and dies!" he screeched from his comically large mouth, showing no sympathy for the last of his kind animal.

PETA task force members where gathering information to arrest the Ranger pending an investigation into his actions as Senior Park Ranger at Jellystone.

Buckinald Stevens III, Esq.---Los Almamos Div.