Richard Dean Anderson in Near Fatal Car Crash.

Sacramento, CA- Beloved television icon Richard Dean Anderson was involved in a near fatal car accident late into the evening this past Wednesday. His vehicle, a Buick skylark, lost control when a tire blew and caused the vehicle to spin out of control stopping on its roof after several perfectly executed barrel rolls. A long trail of gasoline lined the highway and slowly made its way to a tossed cigarette butt that was still burning. Mr. Anderson, trapped by his seatbelt, looked with panic at the trail, which crept towards the cancerous fire source.

Onlookers thought quickly and stopped to assist the trapped motorist, as they approached they noted his C-level celebrity persona as that of televisions MacGyver. A loveable character, who was afraid of heights, never used guns, and was known for getting out of many sticky situations with common household items the layperson would never consider other uses for. One would be savoir exclaimed “Wow! It’s fucking MacGyver! Dude you can totally get out of this. I saw you disarm a nuclear bomb with a paper clip.” Some grunts were heard from the car “No way he once stopped an acid leak using a snickers bar, did you see that episode?” The other would be rescuer added. As the two argued over the most inventive scheme that the character had escaped from Mr. Anderson regained his bearings “ Will you help me out of here please!” Richard begged. A fire truck and EMS team arrived as the two bantered about Air wolf and then back to MacGyver. “No he worked for the Phoenix Foundation!” The first man shouted, “He was always after Murdoc, that was his nemesis!” The second retorted. The two men clutched each other’s arms and began to scuffle. The two landed blows as they rolled down the embankment.

“Please, I beg of you, my arm is broken and I need you to cut me out of this car before it explodes.” The former "actor" pleaded. The firemen surrounded the overturned car and almost began to heed the action heroes calls. “Shit you’re MacGyver! Is this a stunt? Are you going to use a banana and some dental floss to get out of this?” Said the man from behind his oxygen mask. “NO! I am not fucking MacGyver! I am a normal person. Get me the fuck out of here!” The trapped three-named man shouted frantically. “Damn, you better hurry MacGyver, that gas trail is about to hit that cigarette butt.” One medical technician noted, as he took a bite of his subway sandwich. “For the love of God! Cut me free!” there was a long sigh from the man in the overturned car. “Ok, ok, I ate my banana and left my slinky at my house. I can’t get out without that slinky so you will have to fucking do it!” The fading sex symbol screamed. Reluctantly they cut the seat belt and freed the washed up star.

Several rescuers later stated that they were disappointed that MacGyver did not have his slinky with him because they would like to have seen him escape the predicament. Others speculated that the A-team would have gotten out of the car with some other device and possibly B.A. Baracas would have put the seatbelt in a choke hold and broke free. “Fucking right! Colonel John “Hannibal” Smith would never fail in a mission. MacGyver is a pussy.” Mumbled an EMS technician as he closed the ambulance doors.

Brandino Sudo, East Coast Bureau, on location, with additional
Television references provided by Ernie Cunningham known “nerd”.