Endangered Talking Bear Found Near Death.

PETA the outspoken animal rights group claims that a talking bear name Yogi was in serious, but stable condition at its compound this week. A spokesperson said the emaciated bear was left in this state due to the Bush administrations abuses of national parks and the fact that there is less and less "picinic" baskets for the bear to eat. The picinic baskets being the main source of sustenance for this type of bear, an endangered species only found in the declining forests of Jellystone National Park.

"This poor animal was forced to eat his life mate to survive until this point" the spokeswoman cried out shaking her fist in the air as her armpit hair protruded from her tank-top made of hemp. A separate funeral was held for the smaller pygmy bear whose casket contained only a small blue bow tie, the larger bear had eaten every bit of his little friend "Boo Boo" as he called him, including the bones. "I was starving, what else could I do? I am sorry little buddy, but I had to, I loved you." The skeletal bear sobbed.

The Jellystone park has been wrought with controversy every since it was found to be a haven for homosexuals back in the late 1980's. "There was so many picinic baskets before that. After those men came in people were scared to come to the forest and have picinics and go swim leaving them unattended." After the homosexuals came poor Yogi said he had to feast on "old used condoms and anal lubricants." The PETA spokeswoman, shifting back and forth on her thick ham-hock thighs, further added "We pumped three gallons of Anal Ease from this talking animals distended belly along with thirteen lamb-skinned condoms." A less professional reporter at my left giggled and mused "been there done that." from behind his over-sized sunglasses, faux-hawk, and sensible cardigan. When asked for comment spokesman for the makers of Anal Ease, Tusk "sticky fingers" Branson, neglected the Yogi situation, but stated they stand behind their products "We at Anal Ease only wish to provide the best lubricant to gays and regular people alike."

One man, Ranger Smith, was visibly excited, almost aroused, that the bear was almost upon his deathbed. "Serves him right! Stealing all those picnic baskets, that's what drove the people away!" he shouted as he raised off the ground, arms stiff at his sides, legs out, and steam coming from his ears. "I hope that fucking bear dies! Fucking goes to hell and dies!" he screeched from his comically large mouth, showing no sympathy for the last of his kind animal.

PETA task force members where gathering information to arrest the Ranger pending an investigation into his actions as Senior Park Ranger at Jellystone.

Buckinald Stevens III, Esq.---Los Almamos Div.