Area Man Charged With Filing False Police Report.

Shinebone, Alabama -- Christopher Lamb, was arrested for filing a false police report stating he was beaten in the parking lot of Hooters, a dining establishment best known for its scantily clad waiting staff and savory spicy wings. Christopher was behind the eatery when he was allegedly assaulted by and unknown assailant. While seated in his Ford Festiva, balancing his checkbook, the transgressor reached through the open window and beat him about his genitals. "In long hard strokes. He really roughed me up good. He was a pro, cupping my scrotum and not using too much pressure on the shaft." he stated flatly. "I was balancing my checkbook when these powerful hands came in and accosted my private area. He might have been frightened by the size of it, put that in there, in your report." He told Detective Jimmy Shootsblacks. When asked if he saw any witnesses Mr. Lamb replied "I didn't see anyone, or even Angie who gets off at 11 p.m. and comes out to smoke at 10:12 every night, nice gal. She said I was a 'sweetheart' and that she said 'I am her nicest customer', but I didn't see her or anything." His hands shuffling in his front pockets adding, "Did she mention me? How I was doing? Anything at all?"

The area was in plain sight of where some waitresses say they take their smoking breaks from the fire exit door, behind the building they could see the car clearly and did not witness any persons other than Chris. "He was shuffling around in there, I didn't look real hard he's always out there." Said Angie Wyatt, she then went to deliver some delicious spicy hot wings oozing with flavor and a side of blue cheese dressing.

The man claimed to have just been beaten when some patrons saw him sweaty and frantic in his car. Wiping sticky delicious BBQ sauce from his face a witness stated that he and his lady friend were on their way out to their car when they saw the man struggling. "Yeah, he was having a fit or something, eyes rolled back into his head and teeth showing" said the lady friend as she snapped her gum and adjusted the drawstring on her stone washed jeans. "He looked shocked when he saw us and started yelling about an attacker that ran off into the woods." The patron said through his tobacco chewing. "Seem kinda funny if ya ask me."

Police were tipped off at the false claim when Christopher gave the description of a man in his mid thirties, Caucasian, brown hair, wearing khaki dockers and a members only jacket, a mole on his left cheek and a tattoo of a snake on his right arm. Virtually describing himself, a sketch artist picture further proved the point.

Police Chief Ralph Wiggum stated "There was some chaffing on his genital shaft and a little Victoria's Secret Garden Romantic lotion, but no signs of struggle. We found it odd that an attacker would only assault his bathing suit area and then not even take any money. No checkbook was found in the car." Investigators are calling the vehicle a "makeshift apartment" and think the suspect was making the scenario up. "We are investigating further based on some new DNA evidence found in the parking lot, in the Festiva, on Mr. Lamb's jeans, in the air conditioning vents, and covering a good portion of the dashboard." The chief did not answer any questions about the bowling ball sized stains, stating "It's not looking good for Mr. Lamb right now. We are going to piece this together and find out just what really happened." he then left the room.

Buckinald Stevens Esq. III, East coast Bureau