Dick Cheney Recharged On Campaign Trail

Vice President Dick Cheney was on the campaign trail stumping for republicans during the build up to midterm elections when he was seen losing his vigor and power earlier this month. Sweeping across the bible belt delivering his encouraging speeches about Americas greatness due to him and the republicans was taking it's toll on him. He sent out an uplifting message of peace and economic prosperity for himself and his fellow multimillionaires to a crowd of spectators that seemed very well fed, yet lacked good dental hygiene. Cheney reminded us we are at war with ruthless killers that never rest, but it seems he is the sort of ruthless killer that does need a good rest now and then. Some staffers mentioned taking Cheney to an undisclosed location to allow him to recharge before heading to the battleground state of Ohio. With the energy built up from a appearance in Tennessee wearing off they decided to recharge the Vice President on the road.

An all black eighteen wheeler, with no markings pulled along side the motorcade. Some ramps lowered from the rear and Mr. Cheney's Suburban drove up into the attached trailer. I asked some volunteers what the Vice President was doing in the trailer and they simply stated "recharging". Further investigations proved that he was indeed recharging inside the vehicle. This was a mobile undisclosed location unit outfitted with a special charging machine designed for Dick Cheney only.

Inside the trailer hummed the electronic beast that powers Cheney and keeps him fully charged for thirty days to follow the cycle of the moon. The White House Official Portable Power plant and Emergency Recharger supercomputer also known as W.H.O.P.P.E.R. is what fuels the dedicated man. This intimidating green hunk of engineering blinked with several lights and diodes on its terminal as it sits on a twelve foot by six foot base.

I could see through the porthole on the unit Mr. Cheney was naked, connected at his neck and anus to thick power supply cables, and suspended in a deep red liquid. "The liquid is a mixture of cherry kool-aid and blood. This keeps his sugar levels right and his cravings for blood to a minimum while out in public." stated a campaign worker. When asked why the man would need to be submerged in such a mixture she flatly replied, "The Vice President is half vampire and half machine." She then went on transferring names to a criminal database from a list of registered Democrats. A man in a white lab coat and thick round glasses told me this startling fact "Several heart attacks and hundreds of blood donors later we got the right blood. It's not like the movies, sure he is immortal, but his body has taken a beating so we add new parts on. That's where the robotic parts come from." I was shocked at this and wanted to know which blood keeps him up and running full of hate and contempt. "We narrowed it down to African blood from children under eight years of age. We have to secure the blood for him because of his hectic schedule and the tears of humans will make his skin boil and rot. Also the sound of a child's laughter sends him into a rage."

After three hours in the W.H.O.P.P.E.R. scientist say he is ready for another round of fear mongering, gay bashing, and sending his heartfelt message of bigotry and hatred across our glorious nation, that is at war.

I was puzzled about a lot of things that were easily answered by Tony Snow at a White House briefing later in the day. "Vice President Cheney is a hybrid human being and a 'day-walker' if you will, that's why he doesn't burn up in the sunlight like Condoleezza Rice." answered the mouthpiece as another reporter asked, "Is it true he also has AIDS, sickle cell anemia, and craves women with large round apple shaped bottoms because of the African blood coursing his veins?" Snow raised an eyebrow and offered "The vice president does have sickle cell anemia and full blown AIDS, but not like Tom Hanks in Philadelphia. More like Magic Johnson's aids, you know the happy kind. As far as 'apple bottoms' as you put it, that's absurd all men naturally crave them."

Sweating in my brown four piece suit I asked, "Is there any truth to the rumor Mr. Cheney is a zombie? It is noted he regularly eats human brains, aged thirteen years." Mr. Snow fired back, "That's a silly question. Vice President Dick Cheney likes to eat healthy and human brains provide a lot of protein and calcium for a man his age. Besides, he is half vampire half cyborg not a zombie. Honestly, if the questions are not going to be serious then the press conference is over for now." I let out a relieved sigh and left the press room.

Story submitted by Robert "Bob" McHenry reporting from
the campaign trail just before he crashed his Cutlass Supreme
into a tree, spilling his coffee and killing him.