Colonel Discharged For Inhumane Treatment

Guantanamo Bay, Cuba - Family pet and always under foot feline, Colonel Socks, was relieved of his command today in a military tribunal. A stray cat, Mr. Bungle, who was given food by the homes owner, spotted the treatment handed out by Colonel Socks first hand and he immediately informed military officials and Fox News Channel's Greta Van Susteren. Officials first tried to cover up the report by saying the Colonel was stressed do to a lack of catnip and wet food in the home. High ranking officers said Mr. Bungle was a whistle blower, merely out to get a generous payout of scratching behind his ears. Later when photos surfaced during a segment of On the Record, hosted by Greta, the strikingly gorgeous former lawyer, they had to change their story.

The public outcry for Colonel Socks to be fired was exacerbated by stories from the families parakeet, Swoopy, who testified that he was taunted by Colonel Socks and forced to sit in his cage while the cat stared unblinking at him for hours a day, licking his paws and "fangs". "He took away my mirror and would only let me have seed twice a day," squawked the nervous bird. "The news papers in my cage were never changed and I was rooting around in my own feces for months." he added. He also charged the Colonel would remove the blanket over his cage in the middle of the night, keeping the bird from sleeping all night as he was fearful of an attack. This is a stress technique taught by the CIA to break prisoners and make them more apt to give up information one feline military expert stated under oath. Photos surfaced of the Colonel forcing Swoopy to hang upside down by his beak while he swatted at him through the bars of his cage. It was unclear why the kitty would take pictures of the incidents and even more baffling to investigators was that a cat could operate a camera.

The homes owner said Colonel Socks was just having fun and doing what normal, bored, military ranked house cats do when left alone all day. He was from the pound and this new environment with its many rooms and carefree atmosphere could easily lead to deviant behavior. "I should have spotted the signs when Socks started to dart around the house," said the cats owner. "He would be sleeping in a sunbeam and instantly jump up and run into another room for no reason at all. I guess I just thought it was normal." She mentioned other stories of the Colonel urinating on the dog's special blanket, which, although she had squirted water at him, he continued to do.

After the verdict another victim of the Colonels "hazing" as his lawyers argued, came forward. The families canine Private Benjamin or Benji as friends called him, recalled stories of torture handed out by the deranged cat. Benji was forced to roll onto his back, exposing his genitals, to show the Colonel was the dominant male in the household. This is seen as very demoralizing in the canine community and carries ramifications only Benji and other dogs understand. Other dogs like the neighbors dog whom during one visit was forced to perform a "dog pile" and imitate other homoerotic poses for the Colonels pleasure. Benji now never leaves his urine stained Spiderman blanket and will lower his head and cower when strangers enter the room.

Charges have not yet been filed on behalf of Private Benjamin, but are expected within the week. Colonel Socks could not be reached for comment as he was being transferred to an animal shelter.

Veterinary gynecologist and professional gerbil shaver Mick BoneBricker reporting