Area Man Reaches Penultimate Level Of Douchebaggedness

Sacramento, CA - David Devight, is a "balls to the wall" kind of guy, and by the looks of him, his testicles are breaking the skim coat right now. Currently, this fashion maverick and record holder for drawing the most penises on sleeping fraternity brothers faces in one night, is dressing for another night out. Usually the happy hour at T.G.I. Bennishannigans starts with free rail drinks and draft bud lights before David and crew "get the party started". Tonight, however, the "party" has begun on David's torso, more specifically, his neck area, and it's apparently going to go until the break of dawn.

David is a well regarded douchebag among his college classmates and his curly frosted hair, combed haphazardly, isn't the tell-tale factor. Nor are his arrogant plays on the football field and locker room showers the deciding douche factor. Not even his consistent need to tell attractive women at bars how "fucking hot" they are. No, it's his "popped" collars, all three of them. Practicing douchebags, like David's roommates, not only wear expensive polo shirts to show "broads" they have style and a disposable income, but they turn the collars up. This ultimately shows they are that much more douchey than other flat collared men. Adding a pair of aviator sunglasses will further enhance most meatheads to douchebag levels, but David chooses not to, as his piercing blue eyes would be hidden, a "tragedy" he says. So he prefers to add on an additional shirt, of a different color, which he says shows you have "probably twice as much money as the guy with one polo shirt."

Normally a polo shirt with an upturned collar, means a certain level of douche, but David, already having achieved a critical level of doucheness by adding a second layer of pastel Abercrombie poppedness, was embarking on a never before seen level of douche filled baggery. A pinnacle only achieved when bars close and his kind spill into the streets to instinctively shout at passing cars and fistfight with strangers. How had David single handedly achieved this previously unheard of feat? Simply, with a third polo shirt. The pink shirt, it's collar brazenly upturned like a middle finger to humanities one shirt status quo, rested atop the other two equally popped polo shirts.

"Adding that third shirt," started one of David's friends who then started shouting, "was insane bro!" He then smacked David's ass hard, his hand lingered there, and they shouted incoherently while smacking each others hands in the air, jumping at times. Others in the entourage seemed to enjoy this and encouraged them with more barking, howling, and completely non homo-erotic ass grabbing. Onlookers were flabbergasted as to why so many shirts were needed, when the half belching shout of "whoa yeah!" was heard, still no one understood.

This evolution through the doucheons seems to have no end. Ever since the first fraternity brother crushed a beer can on his forehead others have sought to advance their achievements. Next came a young fellow who opened a beer bottle utilizing a cigarette lighter only to be bested when another used his teeth. Then there was the beer funnel followed by the keg stand, and now added into the history books, along side wearing flip-flops with torn jeans, will be David and his three simultaneously popped collars.

When asked where he will go from here David, staggered to respond, "To get some trim bro." Adding that he was thinking about trying some self tanning cream, another douche trademark, to darken him up and make his baby blue eyes "pop". As their Jeep Wrangler drove off, swerving to avoid oncoming traffic, he shouted some moronic cat-calls to nearby females, living up to his "balls to the wall" credo. It wasn't certain if he would "get some trim" this night, but what was crystal clear was that he, most assuredly, is a pioneering douchebag.

Ecstasy/Rohypnol supplier and freelance college corespondent Brandino Sudo with contributions from free range chimpanzee make-up tester Pete Sudo