Bush names Cap’n Crunch as new Secretary of Defense

Washington D.C. - President Bush in a turn from his previous backing of Donald Rumsfeld abruptly switched his stance and named a new Secretary of Defense at a press conference today. “In the wake of recent events, we are - I (long pause) uh, have decided to, err ah, name Cap’n Crunch as or new Secretary of Defense.” stumbled the President. “I have or have known to-- I seen he is a strong man that will uphold the values of this great country. In his work against the Soggies: Sylvester, Snyder, and Squish he never wavered or lost focus, (long pause) he stayed the course and um...he works hard ok. He beat those Soggie evildoers until they gave up and have not been seen since. He, we--the Cap'n will be a great asset to the fight on terror.” The first man stated as he wiped drool from his chin. Laughter broke out in the conference room until secret service agents removed those chuckling and placed them in custody.

“Mr. President, how can this country trust a man that has never received a promotion after decades of service in the military or even been awarded a medal?” A reporter for the Boston Bugle asked as she scribbled on his notepad and adjusted the card in his pompadour that read “press”. “Now that’s a good question, good one, really.” the President's eyes shifted for a duration of time “Well, he is a Cap’n, and that says a lot. It takes time to get to Cap’n and this is the next step for him. As for the medals…he has some big yellow buttons and they are nice. I will look into the medals I am sure there is some.” chewing the inside of one cheek and raising an eyebrow he concluded.

Many still shocked at this revelation and wondered if Cap’n Crunch was even a real person and possibly if so could be actually in the military at all since he is a known homosexual. The speculation soon ended when Mr. Bush introduced a small man wearing a bright blue blazer and a Napoleon style hat in matching blue. “Mr. Crunch, heh…heh, Cap’n I mean. We here--I am honored to have you on our team, heh.” The President muttered. “Thank you Mr. President. I would like to say that I am honored and would like to answer your questions that the Presidents writers handed out before the press conference. I hope I remember all the answers.” Stated the new Secretary.

“Mr. President was there any other candidate you considered before picking a beloved children’s cereal icon?” One reporter blurted. “Sure, I spoke with General Mills and of course Colonel Sanders, but both declined on grounds of being too busy with other matters, that Sanders fellow makes some darn good chicken, heh. We like it on the ranch in Texas, thats where I grew up you know.” Bush replied. “What about the roof of my mouth?” A reporter from The Los Angeles Gazette shouted from the far left of the pressroom. “Your fighting with the Soggies left my cereal too hard and would destroy the roof of my mouth every morning!” He added. “No comment. I think we’ve had enough of this press conference.” Mr. Bush stated, and then proceeded to escort The Cap’n out of the pressroom.

A secret service officer grabbed the reporter, slung him over his broad shoulder, and removed him from the press conference.

Jack Habenhoffen reporting Washington D.C. div.