Optometrist found guilty in providing faulty news stories.

Florence, NY. Dr. Jan Quigley was found guilty today of fraud in the case brought against him by the optometrist union. “I am just glad this is over. He is an old worn out man that feels people only should use one eye to see," said prosecuting lawyer Buckinald Stevens III, Esq. as he stroked his handlebar mustache, puffed on his cob pipe, and made his way from the courthouse.

All the controversy stems from a series of news stories about how the monocle, a popular eyepiece from a bygone era, was on the comeback amongst the younger generation. All produced by Dr. Quigley and directed by the elusive and sought after Juan Luc Cokenbawls. Known for his work in the underground cinema, this was his first foray into the world of American news programming. “I dint know what was aboot, but he pay me an I dew et,” Mr. Cokenbawls said while wearing only a suede trench coat and a mock turtleneck.

The news “stories” depicted many teens partying and having a good time. Most of the teens had a monocle of some design on. The emphatic reporter a stubby man, with a British accent, and wearing a gaudy sweater despite the beach scene, went on about how only the coolest kids were donning the eyewear. “My monocle is Abercrombie and Fitch!” one scantily clad female exuded. One perfectly chiseled teen fumbled with an old pair of glasses and complained they would make him look like a nerd. The British man then handed him a monocle saying, "What if I could give you something that would not only help you see better, and make you look cool, but will make you smarter." "I don't know it's probably expensive," the almost male model like teen sadly replied. "Thats where you're wrong, you little bugger! See because it's a monocle it's half the price of glasses here try it!" The dainty man handed over the eyepiece, that when placed over the teen's eye never budged, to which the he proclaimed. “This is rad!” and gave a jerky thumbs up to the camera. "Amazing!" The Brit replied.

The Optometrists union representative stated the reason for the case was solely because the monocle was damaging to the eyes, for only having one eye with perfect vision will impair the other and to promote this as the "way to be" is just criminal. "It's an abomination! To wear one eyeglass when respectable people have two eyes! Might I add that Mr. Quigley does not even wear a monocle and often appears in public wearing shirts with the top button left loose and will even wear white socks! Hardly a man to be setting standards!" an angry Union trial lawyer blurted at the courthouse steps.

Dr. Quigley was using the faux news stories to promote his failing business. A small shop in the lower east side named “Monocles, Monocles, and Monocles”, “I needed to drum up some business, for some reason people just don’t wear these anymore, aside from smarmy psychologists, one-eyed people, and ventriloquist dummies.” After hearing the verdict the doctor said that after he is released from prison he’ll make an infomercial staring television's Peter Falk. “Everyone loves Columbo!” he shouted and he has taken away in handcuffs

Jiminy Slits reporting, New England branch apprentice of Buckinald Stevens III, Esq.