Sudonews Probes Richard Gere Gerbil Rescue Operation

Sudonews investigators busted what appeared to be a homoerotic business at Richard Gere’s Pleasure Dome Gerbil Rescue Farm. The three-month investigation, which took this Sudonews reporter undercover, mostly nude but sometimes in a speedo, was concluded yesterday.

Sudonews found an elaborate shaving and lubing operation, with gerbils in different states of fully haired, partially shaven, and fully shaven. I saw what appeared to be an assembly line of gerbils being packaged and sent out in a box with “ass grease”, a feeding tube, and a 1-800 hotline “in case your gerbil gets stuck”. I called the hotline, and was given a plethora of language choices that included English, Spanish, French, and Ebonics. I pressed “fo” for Ebonics, where what appeared to be the voice of Kevin Federline saying, “jus pull that mofo out chor ass, man use a coat hanga, fo sho.” Scared that I would be impregnated through the phone, I hung up immediately.

When confronted with the evidence Mr. Gere said, “we shave them down, yeah, it’s LA, and hot. Plus some of them like to tan out back with me in my totally erotic and fully nude tanning night club.” I doubted this excuse, for a check of the temperature showed it was 58 degrees that day, and most gerbils were wearing makeshift fur coats fashioned out of Antarctic penguin toe jam. Mr. Gere then took us to his nightclub, which included several rainbow flags on 3 foot flagpoles, which were fully greased at the top and included a record board that said “2.89 feet, Paris Hilton, vagina and mouth, 3 feet, hershey highway, Matthew McConaughey (three times, before bong hits)”, a taint shaving kit, hundreds of nude pictures of the Dali Lama, and several muscular Speedo clad young men he referred to as “pool boys”.

I could accept this, for I saw the same operation at Ben Affleck’s house a couple months back, except the poolboy in his case was Matt Damon, the nude pictures were of Rosie O’Donnell, and they used hamsters. I figure all of Hollywood’s leading men have such tanning night clubs, I’ve read about parties thrown by Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Keanu Reeves, and pox marked star Ray Liotta.

I could not accept the assembly line. I confronted Mr. Gere, where he claimed, “Oh, those are for jokes, ya know, bachelor parties and such.” As he finished, I heard a squeaking sound, and Mr. Gere grabbed a handful of Richard Gere’s Erotic Gerbil Feed and appeared to stuff it into a tube at the back of his pants. He quickly tussled his t-shirt, which read “Packing Heat” with a picture of a gerbil giving the “thumbs up”. When he turned around the back of the shirt said “One in the Oven” with an arrow pointing towards his brown eye. The feed bag said, “here at Richard Gere’s Erotic Gerbil Feed, we know how important it is to keep the party going. We guarantee to keep your gerbil alive for a week or you’ll get a free visit to my personal tanning club.” Underneath, in really small print, it read, “only really hot guys and Lou Gosset, Jr. are eligible for tanning club trip.”

In the end, no charges were filed against Mr. Gere, for lack of evidence. His lawyer, famed attorney and infomercial salesman Buckinald J. Stevens IV, told Sudonews that “this is all circumstantial evidence that wouldn’t hold up in court. I assure you that Mr. Gere has never shoved nor does he have gerbils shoved up his ass. Bowling trophies? Yes. Cindy Crawford’s mole? Of course. But gerbils? This man showed his wang in An Officer and a Gentleman. ‘Nuff said.” As he finished a gerbil climbed down from the back of Mr. Stevens pants on a rope made from ass hairs and corn. The gerbil had a 5 o’clock shadow and nearly escaped, only to have the speedo clad boys wrangle him up with fishing nets.

Sudonews is dedicated to stay behind this story for as long as it takes. A baker’s dozen of these gerbils has been ordered and will be fully tested for a 13-part investigation.

Rico Sudo, Sudonews Homo Division, West Hollywood, CA.