SudoNews investigates: Jessica Simpson A Man?

Jessica Simpson can add another bullet point to her mediocre career according to a new report today from SudoNews solicitation specialist and investigative correspondent Charlie Tackletaint. Already known as a former celebrity, horrendous singer, stupendously insufferable actor, and festering idiot, she can now claim successfully living life as a women who was born a man. The former wife of a boy band member with less notoriety than O-Town is in fact a man states Mr. Tackletaint. Charlie recently finished his thirty-two part series on how he proved this quietly tucked away secret. "It's is a stunning look into the world of transgender performers, their gender bending ways, how they duct tape their dicks into their ass cracks, and how Hollywood elite protect their true identities." says an editor of ChixWitDix.com, a site frequented by desperate husbands trying to figure out why men who could pass for woman are attractive and why they are aroused by them.

Charlie delved deep into his work, living in the less than lustrous world of Thailand and its Brown Light District known for prostitution and underage sex clubs, which provide pay-to-play services for travelers looking to fornicate with men who dress as women. This trip was not sanctioned or provided by his employer SunoNews, but Mr. Tackletaint said it was a vital component to his investigations. "I needed to get inside them. Have first hand knowledge of these men who are one operation away from being a woman, just like Jessica Simpson or Jesse Aaron Simpson, as his birth certificate indicates."

Shocking interviews with Jessica's former husband Nick Lachey, a known homosexual purely based off his tribal arm band tattoos, proved his theory. In the interview Charlie prods Nick into divulging he never had sex with his ex-wife with the lights on, only had sex doggy style, and she was so good at fellatio that he questioned where she gained such knowledge since she claimed to be a virgin. Nick speculated she/he would only know to handle his organ so well if she had one herself. "She operated my hog like she had been using one for years," he said, then added, "ever notice how her jawbone is more rigid than mine and how she farted all the time? Only men do that." Charlie agreed then declined Nick's invitation to "wrastle" in the backyard and cut the interview short.

In one scene from the highlight reel, shown to SudoNews staff, famous transgender celebrity Alexis Arquette is overheard at a posh Hollywood eatery saying, "I feel bad for Jesse, he tries so hard, but even I look more feminine than her." He then adjusted the bulge between his legs by reaching under his tight Versace dress. "Fuck, I hate when I sit on my balls." he giggled to fellow diners who vomited slightly in their own mouths.

When asked to comment on Jessica's mannish chin, ass, hands, and strong dimpled jawline his father Joe Simpson said, "That's absurd, Jessica is a beautiful, large breasted woman. Have your seen her tits? They are huge. I would fuck her and I have, not in the ass either. Missionary style so I could look right at her vagina." He quickly ended the interview to take pictures of his other unattractive offspring, Ashley, as she exited a plastic surgeons office.

Charlie's series will air all this month on The CW network. He continues to reside and report from his cell in Thailand as he awaits trial for allegedly killing fourteen male prostitutes.