Iranians Acquire Atomic Capabilities

Woodbridge, VA-Iranian-American relations took a sharp decline this past weekend when Iranian born Payam Auld Shabeen performed a flawless Atomic wedgie on a bewildered American vendor at a local mall. “I thought they were years away from this”, a shaken onlooker said. To the surprise of many fellow patriots, it seems that the Iranians are way ahead of the pace in such areas of foolishness.

A wedgie, as defined by the best selling novel on foolishness entitled “How to Have Homo-erotic Fun at Parties and Social Gatherings”, is when one person takes hold of another’s underwear from behind and pulls them at an extreme rate of velocity vertically. This causes the underwear to wedge in the persons anal cleft and causes discomfort. To become atomic, one must possess the power to pull the waistband up over the head of the recipient and separate it from the underpants completely.

Apparently there was a disagreement at the Your Name on a Grain of Rice kiosk. Payam did not understand the reasoning for the service. “This towel head was blurting out some craziness about ‘Why would I want dis? Tis too small to see’ I told him put a lid on it!” Payam then abruptly turned the man and reached into his waistline while shouting, “You tink so!” and proceeded to perform what historians will note as “the most intense four seconds of the young, prepubescent, pimply-faced, virginal teenage employee of the kiosks life.” The Atomic wedgie was pulled off with such skill and finesse that onlookers felt phantom pains in their on ass cleavages. “It burned so bad I’m sure my ass cheeks look like a loose meat sandwich right now”, said the boy. He asked his name be withheld for unknown reasons.

Biff Benchpress, a renowned meathead in many circles and a twenty-year veteran of wedgie warfare, commented, "for Payam to display with such arrogance and prowess in the wielding of his atomic powers, he has certainly made the world notice his standing among all meatheads. Payam is a force not to be taken lightly." Asked why he did not intervene, Biff responded, "I was in shock, and when Payam said 'Now it’s a fucking necklace!' I could not move." Biff later confided in me that he had yet to ever actually pull off the atomic wedgie. A tear slowly rolled down his cheek as he stated how he only managed to get the undergarment to shoulder level before the elastic would give out. Biff was given a dishonorable discharge and is now on disability, suffering from what he called ass-elbow.

Sir Smitty Brick, IV, M.D. of Harvard School of Skylarking remarked that after the incident much was learned about the state of foolishness in Iran. "Before this, we thought their foolentologists were merely capable of purple nurples, bismarks, and of course severe Indian burns, but now we know that they are right in line with all the superpowers", said Sir Brick, as he puffed on his pipe and adjusted his twill blazer with corduroy elbow pads.

Payam was later seen in the food court standing in line at the Panda Express, yelling about the curry. As the employees at Panda Express hurriedly gripped their waistbands, Payam was asked how he learned the technique. He turned nonchalantly and simply stated, “I watch a lot of Seinfeld.”

Brandino Sudo, Sudo news, East Coast Bureau
Follow up reporting by Pete Sudo, Editor-at-Large , West Coast Bureau