Jay-Z: Hardcore Rapper or Momma’s Boy?

Miami, FL - Jay-Z, former hardcore rapper from the Bedford-Stuyvesant section of Brooklyn, which has produced many musical greats, including Clay Aiken, was seen waiting outside a local movie theater bathroom on a hot friday night holding the purse of his beloved Beyonce Knowles, who was heard stating "damnit, I got a turtle head poking out" as she ran into the restroom with one hand covering her bootylicious badunkadunk.

Mr. Z was reportedly "tiffed", in his words, because Mrs. Knowles was making him late as they went into "Failure to Launch", the romantic comedy starring naked bongo playing pot smoker Matthew McConaughey. J Hova stated,” I’ve been waiting so long for the return of Matthew to his roots". The rapper who proclaims to be the greatest rapper alive and croons on such hits as "Girls, girls, girls" was far from the image he portrays on his albums on this movie date night.

Fellow hardcore playas at the movie theater pleaded with Mr. Z to state that he was "Not bitchin out and holding some chickenheads purse." Movie ticket taker Bucky Bell, who was there to see first hand what transpired, overheard Mr. Z saying,"This purse? Nah I just stole this joint, jigga what?". The rapper reportedly spoke in a false bravado and his voice cracked. "H to the Izzo!" he blurted and made an diamond shape with his hands.

The Jiggaman's pussifiedness is evident on his latest single, "Honey I picked up the magnum sized tampons you needed, Jigga Yeah.” The song’s sappy lyrics state “Don't want to stop our roll ‘cause you got that flow, fo sheezy". The single brags about how fast he got back from the store, how super absorbent the tampons are, and how he researched the brand on the internet for his "boo". "This mans street cred is damaged," pouted an onlooker and he added "I don't even think that Beyonce’s ass is bootylicious anymore, it’s just licious in my eyes from this point forward!”

The couple was seen entering the theater late and as the door closed, Mr. Carter proclaimed "I am going to drink a large quantity of Crystal and fornicate with lots of fine bitches after this!” The crowed that had already dissipated paid no head to his words. "That boy is whipped." stated Bucky as he sent a text message booty call to one of his "Chickenheads."

Brandino Sudo, Sudonews, Miami Bureau