SBD Transmission at all time highs among teens.

Hoboken, NJ. A new study out today from the Study Company that Studies Useless Studies to Benefit Only Those That Take Studies and Find Them of No Importance indicates that SBD transmission among high school age teens is increasing at an alarming rate. SBD, as defined by the Houston Medical Journal, is a silent, but deadly noxious emission of pungent gas from a person and or animal that sneaks up on the victim, but has no audible portion to forewarn of its introduction to the environment, thus making it fall into the category of whoever smelt it dealt it. These can be emitted at anytime, anywhere, and violate many persons.

Several teens at George Jefferson High retold stories of how they were stricken with SBDs. “Yeah, I was like, just standing in line for lunch, and got a nose full of the most horrid smell. It was like (explicative) had (explicative) on someone's (explicative),” said one teen. Other stories included a person so brazen with his SBD transmissions that he would crop dust the cafeteria. Upon further explanation, the Houston Journal had no reference, a crop dusting is when the SBD is discharged and the flatulator then walks through an area with the odor trailing behind him, much like a plane spraying a field of crops with pesticides. “That fat (explicative) Greg always does that, he stops and you know he is blowing his brown horn, then walks away laughing to himself,” said one lunch-goer.

I did get the chance to experience this as Greg entered the cafeteria and did just what was described to me moments before. I was shocked to see him standing at the far end of the eating area, still laughing, and I was in a haze of sweaty, almost terrifying air, so thick I could have taken some and dipped it in my tea. I questioned Greg as to why he did this and he replied, “There was a telegraph from Fort A-hole to Commander Nostril announcing the arrival of a General Shat I had to deliver.” I did not understand the exchange and left him to consume his tater tots.

The School Board organized an awareness movement in the school to help combat the issue. There was a class given to those that signed up and free butt plugs were offered. Many parents objected to the school handing out anal acoustic stopping devices. “If you give them butt plugs then it's like you are saying it's okay to float air biscuits!” an angry mother shouted from her Ford Expedition emblazoned with NASCAR bumper stickers. “You should be teaching them to abstain from farting in school, not how to do it without repercussions,” she added.

Some students have adopted this method. Anthony Arledge, a well-groomed student and member of the honor society, stated, “I just hold them in all day because I care about my fellow students and am not selfish like the others." He went on, "Sure my stomach hurts like I ate a ten day old slovaky and washed it down with some expired milk that a goat puked in, but I can wait until the end of the day to do my business at home.” He gripped his stomach at this point and said he would have to go into his bathroom. I overheard a long rattling release of choppy air, almost like a fifty caliber machine gun expending its ammunition and a muffled voice tell me something to the sort of Anthony having let go of more than just some built up air. Not wanting to consult the Journal yet again to find the definition of a "shart" I ended the interview.

Brandino Sudo Sudonews East Coast Bureau with contributions from
Flatulence aficionado, Hubert “The Brown Trumpet” Rectumberg.