Kid Rock’s Penis Threatening to Leave Pseudo Redneck/Whigga Star

In an exclusive one-on-one interview, Kid Rock’s penis revealed that he is angry and thinking of leaving Rock altogether. Sudonews sat down last Thursday with Rock’s Cock, as he affectionately is called, at the Chatuaeu Marmont in Beverly Hills. Rock’s Cock showed up wearing sunglasses (well, a darkened monocle), a red scarf and puffed on a clove cigarette as the interview began.

Sudonews: So why are you thinking of leaving Kid Rock?

Rock’s Cock: Look, I’m tired of all the bullshit, okay? This guy has no taste anymore. Well, he never had any taste, let's just say it's gone way downhill. At first things were good, back in the day we’d be trolling trailer parks, trying to get his redneck street cred up, and I didn’t mind the trailer park girls, cause most of them didn’t have many teeth. But things are out of control now.

Sudonews: What exactly do you mean? You've seen some nice trim, haven't you?

R.C.: Hell yeah, I've been in some schweeet tang, oh I could tell you. It's the whole Pam Anderson thing. I told him it wasn’t a good idea back in ’01, what the hell was he thinking that I could follow Tommy Lee, that guy’s got a baby’s arm down there, no way I could compete. Look at me, I’m pathetically small, though I do have a nice turtleneck, don’t you think? (R.C. pulled his scarf to the side).

Sudonews: Yes, it’s quite handsome, wait you have no turtleneck on!

R.C.: Yes, it’s all me. I have self esteem issues because I was never a ‘cut above’, as they say. You know, I'm uncircumcised. I look like the Unabomber. An anteater. I’m an uncut.

Rock’s Cock then began to cry and a tear streamed out of his one eye. He quickly pulled the scarf around his, well, headless shaft.

Sudonews: So you were afraid you couldn’t fill Tommy Lee’s shoes?

R.C.: Yeah, basically. I mean Robby (Robert Richie, Kid Rock’s real name) completely shaves his pubes to make me look bigger, and uses theatrical makeup to add some shadows and veins, but the chicks know the difference. He even let that midget hang around so we'd look bigger during orgies. Despite that, we made it through the first round with Pam.

Sudonews: So this divorce, that’s what did it?

R.C.: Divorce? Shoulda never been a marriage. I can put up with the hookers, trannies, maphros, that awkward trip to Neverland Ranch. But how do you get with a chick after she announces she has the Hep? Plus she's been banged more than Andy Dick. Are you fucking nuts?

R.C. laughed to himself, apparently in the penis world asking someone if they are nuts is hilariously ironic.

Sudonews: You do have a point, I once dumped a chick because I found out she had a penis. That was Jessica Simpson.

R.C.: Exactly my point. Look at me, I’m all covered in sores now, hell the balls won’t even talk to me anymore, saying Rob thinks with me, I’m the leader. We all know that’s bullshit. If I was in charge the Uncle Kracker thing woulda never happened.

Sudonews: Are you saying Kid Rock had sex with Uncle Kracker?

R.C.: Hell no, I mean we wouldn’t have put out 5 shitty Uncle Kracker albums. Dude, I’m not gay.

Sudonews: So what will you do if you leave Kid Rock?

R.C.: I dunno, travel a bit, maybe take up cooking. I guess I can model for medical books now.

And with that statement, Rock's Cock stood up and abruptly left. I was later told that Kid Rock rushed out to try and meet up with herpied pseudo-celebrity/real whore Paris Hilton.

Kid rock’s hairless shriveled balls were unavailable for comment.

Interview by Jean-Luc Sudo, sudonews Cock, Ball and Taint Division, Testicales, California.