World's Best Grandpa Competition Clouded in Controversy

America has chosen Tieyaown Shoolaces as the front runner in this years World's Best Grandpa competition with just two more episodes to go. W.B.G. is the ratings juggernaut produced by Simon Cowell for the Fox network and is sweeping the nation.

The show pits America's Grandfathers against each other while a panel of three senior celebrity judges pick 12 finalists, then turn the judging over to the viewers who ultimately decide who is the best Grandpa in the world. The winner receives a Worlds Best Grandpa T-shirt, lifetime (3 years) supply of Ensure, and a coupon for Old Country Buffet, but most importantly the title of Worlds Best Grandpa, which no other man with a child whom has his own child can claim for one year. (Sudonews interns discovered anyone can buy a coffee mug or T-shirt with the phrase printed on it, which are sold at various novelty stores across the nation.)

Several seniors are seething over Mr. Shoolaces participation in the event seeing as he became a Grandpa at the age of 35, a good 30 years younger than the other competitors, but according to the rules there is no minimum age to qualify.

Tieyaown has wowed the kids with his large automobile featuring flashy over-sized wheels, video game systems, and jacuzzi ball bin, which judges had to physically remove the urine smelling tots from. During his one on one times with the toddlers "T-man" gave them gallons of Cherry Kool-Aid from his ample supply and brought them to other contestants homes where they destroyed marigolds, left the hose running, and ate all the candy from the dish on their coffee tables, which was supposed to last for years. "They gots to step up they game. Tieyaown is running this joint bitches! What!" said the would be World's Best Grandpa as he flashed his shiny platinum teeth, thew his hands up in the air, and did a joyous dance in a fashion indicative to a person with little worry.

Competitors are having to rethink strategies to compete with this new breed of younger senior. Pulling a quarter from behind ear, as Sol O'Rosenberg found out, isn't going to cut it anymore. Kids today aren't fooled by slight of hand like in the old days. "I tried to get them to do some yard work for a quarter and they laughed at me." said Sol, his voice filling with anger. He took a long pull from his Pal Mal filterless cigarette and continued, "A quarter! Why in my day that would pay the rent, get you a soda pop, seventeen comic books, two tickets to a moving picture show, and one ticket for the peep show with money left over for a tip." He exhaled adding, "Fucking ungrateful bastards, I didn't fight in dubya dubya two for this."

Other Grandpas in the running threatened to ride their Rascal scooters out of the contest because of the younger generation Granddad. "It's not fair," shakily said contestant Harvey Burroughs through his Parkinson's stricken lips. "He doesn't even have an oxygen tank to walk around with and I hear he stays up till all hours of the night, past four p.m." he added. Another geriatric quipped, "He probably has his original hip bones!" The Granddads were mounting a effort to evict Tieyaown from the competition based on his inability to acquire senior discounts at movies.

The underdog, Uncle Charlie, with his knock knock jokes and pockets full of candy putting him in the lead with viewers, was kicked off the show last week. Allegations of inappropriate touching surfaced during the Quality Time round. Charlie took several kids fishing using his personal windowless van and the children said they couldn't talk about their time, but didn't enjoy the fishing trip. The shows producers searched then van and found candy laced with crystal meth, a round DNA stained leopard print bed, and what authorities call "homemade upskirt videos" of women at Uncle Charlie's retirement home.

Popular straight talking judge Wilford Brimley scolded Uncle Charlie during last weeks episode, "You can't take kids into your van alone, dog. Dude, kids can't watch that kind of thing, it's not right dog." he paced the stage adding, "I gave the kids a bowl of hot cereal and they seem ok now." He then had to sit as his feet were swollen from his diabetes, saying, "My feet fucking hurt, dog."

Eager fans are awaiting this weeks episode where highlights show George Meesley suffering a setback during the Story Time event when a toddler, climbing onto his lap, ruptured his colostomy bag. The clip also showed Tieyaown at Six Flags winning enormous stuffed animals for several kids from the 3-point challenge carnival game. Looks like the competition is in the bag for the young Granddad.

World's Best Grandpa airs tonight at 8pm and reruns all day Saturday and Sunday.
Tip Kurdsway reporting for Sudonews, Pink-Eye on Entertainment Division.