Study Shows Income Gap Continues To Widen Between Americans

Washington - New reports indicate wages have stagnated and upper upper middle high class millionaires are shouldering a larger tax burden while uber-rich American billionaires prosper. Prices for plastic surgery, custom built villas, high roller suites, caviar and imported Italian leather have soared to record levels, but Timmy Patrick Bryce hasn't noticed. He is out shopping for a new Tag Heuer watch to replace the one he is currently wearing. "There is nothing wrong with it, but this fucker only has twelve carats of diamonds in it and it's shitterific white gold not platinum," he said looking over the sparkling watches finding one he liked with a price tag of $55,000. The helpful staff offered to take his old watch as a trade in and then resell it to which he responded, "Who the fuck would want a shitty used watch? I will take the fucker home and crush the shit out of it in the fucking garbage disposal."

Statistics show one million new jobs have been added back to the 2.6 million lost since Bush took office, but many of these jobs offer fewer benefits and pay far less than what a current CEO is making in salary alone. Factor in their stock options and the gap is even more staggering. Shmeul Jacob Fineburg an economic analyst grimly laid out the facts on the ever increasing income gap, "The average CEO is making well over $200 million a year now and his vice presidents are barely making ends meet on a miniscule $800,000 a year. If something isn't done soon these upper upper middle class citizens will suffer even more."

Average family budgets have been tightened cutting out every unnecessary expenditure. Ronald Boone, a senior vice president with Charles Schwab just received a second job at the Shits and Jiggles Peep show to add to his paltry salary of $1.2 million, which includes stock options. Ronald works as an intern spooge mopper, a job that has no pay, but if his trial period garners favorable reviews from the seedy clientele he may be offered a full time position with pay. "With every drop of warm cum I mop up I am putting myself and my broker closer to getting a meal at Naboo." he said wiping his sweating brow with his sleeve, leaving a white pastelike substance behind, which he quickly removed while dry heaving. "They can't expect us to live off a few million a year. It's not fucking right."

The traditional one income family has been altered as women are forced to return to the workforce to help pay bills. Erica Bertrand, an attorney struggling to live on her $2.3 million income, recently started selling her body for extra money and on occasion will suck dick for botox injections. She has succeeded in paying the mortgage on her six bedroom Malibu home, but it also meant fewer dinners at Mr. Chows, two caramel cafe lattes a day, postponed dermabrasion appointments, settling for vacations to Dubai, and delayed doggie resort and day spa payments. She has resorted to shopping at retail stores and not buying directly from the designers as she would in the past. "It's really tough to see wives of these super rich CEO's wearing one of a kind Fabiana dresses while I have to settle for a Versace from last fall. I would have to suck five dicks for a Fabiana. My jaw just can't handle it anymore."

New government data also shows that Bush's tax cuts have shifted the overall tax burden from the utterly unfathomably fucking wealthiest Americans to mediocre rich Americans. Uber-rich-fucking-tastic-Americans like Danny Hannigan Warbucks a media mogal and member of the Super Yacht Society who is shopping for a third yacht today. "I fuckin' told myself, Danny, every fuckin’ time that income gap widens, fuckin’ buy yourself another mother fucking yacht, Danny." He perused the luxury yacht warehouse in Saint-Tropez driving a golf cart as his four-piece-suit made of sterling silver was too cumbersome to walk in. Behind the golf cart was a diamond and ruby encrusted Brinks truck stuffed with the $100 million cash he was using to buy the new yacht.

When asked about being so insanely wealthy when others are merely financially secure his son, Chip Warbucks, said, "It's fucking great! I am so God damned rich my shit earns interest. I will never work a fuckin' day in my motha fuckin' spoon fuckin' fed life!" The then defecated on a dark skinned man cleaning the docks because rich people "can do whatever they mother fuckin' want" he said wiping his ass with a towel dipped in gold. Mr. Warbucks daughter was not present during the interview, she was home planning her sweet sixteen party, which was to be filmed for MTV later that week. A text message from her publicist stated, "ur not invited lol Its gonna be the biggest shit eva"

Sinking further into depression, Mellie Mel "The Mailman" Melbourne, reporting.