President Bush Declares Troop Surge "Complete Success"

Washington D.C. - While the 110Th Congress was drafting a nonbinding vapid inconsequential fustian resolution, which would embolden our enemies and put America’s children and families in danger. Hard nosed Texan and straight talking President, George W. Bush, in another example of his unwavering commitment to his TelePrompTer provided words, enacted a secret troop surge involving a singe troop.

Congress and the American public were informed of a surge involving a deployment of 21,000 additional troops to Iraq, but this was merely a ploy to confuse terrorist networks operating in the war zone. Pentagon officials and President Bush kept the covert mission a secret, they and hybrid human vampire, known as a daywalker, Vice President Dick Cheney, knew the real surge involved none other than retired special forces soldier John J. Rambo.

John Rambo was reluctant to aid the U.S. government this time due to his previous secret mission to then Soviet controlled Afghanistan where he aided Afghan rebels in decimating Russian forces to save his captured former commander Colonel Trautman. He was now being asked to obliterate these same rebels now killing American troops in Baghdad, the heart of Al-Qaeda's terrorist network and home to hidden caches of weapons of mass destruction. Timid war engineers persuaded Mr. Rambo to undertake this mission by informing him insurgents, in the Shiite controlled slums of Sadr city, had captured Colonel Trautman and threatened to behead him if U.S. troops did not end their occupation. The mental image of his former commander having his throat slit triggered images of his time in a North Vietnamese POW camp, causing his killer instincts to kick in and he agreed to the mission.

Curators at the National Archives were told to retrieve the soldiers top secret bandanna stored in a vault beneath the vault housing the Constitution. The secret vault holds the magical bandanna which grants the incomprehensible ability to never be shot, form perfect military strategies, and a cloaking device to make the wearer invisible to enemies.

Sneaking into Baghdad unnoticed under the cover of a cloudless sunny day he single handedly wiped out every insurgent on his route to Sadr city, unseen. In his official debriefing he stated that he snuck from home to home breaking the necks of his enemy, silently slicing their throats, and tightening his headband when needed with a dead far off look in his eyes. After killing all the terrorist in Baghdad he realized his mission was a farce and his commanding officers didn't care if he made it out alive or not. He also discovered that Colonel Trautman wasn't in the city as he was a fictional character from a movie about another fictional character.

A scary moment occurred as John was escaping Iraq. His jeep struck and improvised explosive device hurdling him into the Euphrates river. Remaining militiamen cheered "Allah Ackbar" and "God is great" as they danced around the twisted wreckage. The freedom hating towel heads were unaware that behind them John Rambo was emerging from the river in slow motion, which requires the ability to slow time and bend all laws of physics, another ability attributed to the headband. He rose from the murky brown water wielding a fully automatic M60 machine gun in each arm, multiple belts of bullets criss-crossing his shaved glistening tanned chest and wrapping around his thick vein covered forearms; his menacing lower lip dropped drastically on one side. He let out a terrifying battle cry and the militiamen were so stricken with fear they could only stand in horror as they were all mowed down by the intense firepower. After killing the last insurgent John raised his guns in the air continuing to relieve the hot barrels into the sky until his belts of ammunition were empty.

In a separate incident an Apache helicopter crew was gunned down in heavy gunfire. Four brave soldiers died in the crash military investigators say must have occurred from the insurgents firing their guns into the air during their celebration of what they thought was John Rambo's death. The lead investigator and his team later resigned their posts so they could spend more time with their children.

Upon returning to the States from his victory he greeted his superiors with resentment and anger for throwing a black tie only victory dinner party, which he was not invited to. The attendees seemed to care little for John's sacrifices as the chatted about pork barrel projects. Admiral William Fallon spotted the shirtless Rambo and said, "Rambo, I swear to God, I didn't know it was supposed to happen like this. It was just supposed to be another assignment!" he then sampled some caviar from a passing tray adding, "Honestly, what did you want? It's over forget it, you'll get a medal of honor." Johns anger reached a boiling point as he shouted, "You know what I want, what they want, and every other guy who went over there and spilled his guts and gave everything he had, wants! For our country to love us as much as we love it! That's what I want!" He then stormed out knocking over the crystal punch bowl. When asked by reporters how he was going to live the rest of his life he said simply, "Day by day."
Embedded and ingrown, Marshal Murdoch reporting from the green zone, Baghdad.