Desperate Howard K. Stern Arrives To Event With Corpse

Hollywood, CA - Howard K. Stern, parasite and lawyer of former obese trailer park resident turned poor excuse of a mother, Anna Nicole Smith, was spotted today during an opening of a Fashion Bug Plus at the Beverly Center Mall. The premortem inseparable pair was literally joined at the hip once again as destitute paparazzi drooled at the chance to sell more pics of the deceased whore. As their cameras flashed away some wise paparazzo noticed, Anna, having died not to long ago, apparently was now in quite a state of decay, but still just as ravishing as before. Rigamortis having faded, Howard awkwardly strutted the red carpet with the former playboy playmate, wearing a gorgeous dress she was buried in with only a few noticeable dirt stains. Operating her jaw, like a sexy maggot infested dry-heave inducing ventriloquist dummy act, he answered questions tossed about by journalists. "How're things since dying Anna?" one intrepid photog asked. "It's great." Obviously said Stern in a high falsetto from the corner of his mouth, "I love you all." Howard then grasped her arm and flailed it about, waiving to the fans in the mall.

Times have been tough for Stern since Anna's shockingly unexpected death, due to her use of many prescription drugs, and her life force being sucked out by the black hole of Stern's soul. Living out of Kato Kalin's trunk, posing nude for magazines like Weekly Cum Mustache, and selling his orifices for meals at Carl's Junior all contributed to the creepy virgin hitting rock bottom. Inspiration struck as he watched Weekend at Bernie's after finishing his exhausting shift at the Venice Beach glory hole, stall 32. Moments after the credits rolled, hastily scribbled notes in hand, he was digging up the corpse of his former meal-ticket and fashioning a makeshift marionette-like truss to hold the former beauty.

Apparently Anna was crudely tied to him using a phone cord, duct tape, and chop sticks from his hotel room. Sadly no attempt was made to cover her decomposing flesh as he used his last available funds to secure the Fashion Bug gig via payphone. The publicity stunt was going well until Stern, in an attempt to further hype Anna's return and possibly add another page to his forthcoming memoirs, maneuvered the floppy body into a waiting Escalade. In a never before seen event the paparazzi turned their cameras away as Stern flagrantly exposed Anna's rotten worm infested genitals to onlookers, a pose now made famous by the likes of Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, and Lindsey Lohan. "That's what it always looked like," said Stern as the Escalade screeched away blaring the hit song "Ridin Dirty" from it's array of five 12-inch trunk mounted subwoofers.

Howard did not return calls for this article, but did leave a napkin behind advertising his upcoming appearance with Anna at a Girls Gone Wild video premier. Also on the napkin, next to a picture of a hairless penis, was his schedule at the glory hole in Venice. All week, 10pm-5am.

Joey Yatzko, West Hollywood trendsetter and flamboyant miniature horse collector